Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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