Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
