I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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