Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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