Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
