guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
