like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
