Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
