i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
