Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
