I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
