I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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