I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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