I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
