I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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