What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
