Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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