What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
