She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
