***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
