I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
