i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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