For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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