I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
