So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
where are my eyebrows?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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