I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
