I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
