Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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