Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize