she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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