end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
