my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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