my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
