she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
