Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
