Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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