It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
