Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
