her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
