I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
