i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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