My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
