If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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