Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
