When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
