Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
