I faked an abortion last night.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
