Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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