I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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