I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
