The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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