I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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