Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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